Category Archives: Humour

Selling houses – Weird Things to Worry About

Those of you that know me or are regular visitors to this blog will know we are going through the process of selling our home. After making the announcement here , I’ve had a lot of support from friends and family and interest in how the process is going.

I’m so excited to announce after 5 weeks, numerous viewings and four offers, we sold our house last wednesday.

We are well underway with solicitors and the buyer is hopefully scheduling a survey for the end of this week. He is selling to first time buyers and as you know, we are moving into rental. So fingers crossed it should be a short process and we can be in our new home by Christmas. Although I’m in no particular hurry.

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One month into this selling houses business I realised how it could quickly become stressful. I’ve absolutely loved the house feeling clean, fresh and tidy. Mrs Hinch totally came into my life at the right time.

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But living the showhome life with 3 cats, a bearded husband and a three year old did make me a little highly strung. As they each took it in turns daily to undo my hard work and efforts. Life must go on though, as everyone told me. I made sure that I stayed on top of everything cleaning and tidying wise., and still do. George is allowed his toys out but everything has to be considered under the motto;

“can this be tidied and showhome ready in 30 minutes”

If the answer to the above is no, then we had to stop what we are doing and have a little speed tidy. George was wholeheartedly on board. Whilst he may cheekily jump on the beds I have just smoothed out, he is happily tidying one thing before getting another out. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Ok maybe for hubs to shut his sock drawer and take his coffee mug downstairs but we can’t all be perfect! (*winks coyly).

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Whilst our house is now sold subject to contract, we aren’t in a position to look at rentals yet. The rental market moves quick. Well round here it does. We are at least another two to four weeks away. In order to secure a rental we would need to put a deposit down. We would be silly to do this until we have exchanged contracts. There is always room for things to go wrong. Should the sale fall through, we would be left with the commitment of paying two sets of bills.

There have recently been a few houses that have come and gone onto the rental market that have caught our eye. This has boosted our optimism that when the time comes, we will be able to find something local without having to relocate.

So whilst your typical human type will be worrying about… well I don’t know what you normal humans worry about??? I suspect top of the list of your average mindset would be school catchment, crime rate, access local facilities?

Meanwhile in overactive imagination land, I am worrying about the following;

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  • Ghosts and the supernatural – Literally top of my list. Luckily I live with three cats so they are walking supernatural detectors. It doesn’t stop me worrying though. Literally it’s one of my biggest fears and I would have to move out the day I saw one!
  • Spiders and creatures – I know what kind of creepy crawlies are within our current vicinity. After living in our house for 11 years there haven’t been many surprises. The odd spider but nothing like the beasts I see some people posting on social media! What if our new house is a magnet for regular tarantula sized arachnids! Someone I know locally moved house and kept finding weird lizard things in her new home! What the actual fuck will I have in store for me. I try to love and respect all living creatures but it doesn’t mean I want them in my home.
  • Temperature – Whilst everyone was complaining about the heatwave this past summer, I was pretty content at home. Our house retains the heat pretty well but it also maintains the coolness. By far, of all the non air conditioned places I visited during this Summer’s heatwave, our house was the coolest place to be as long as the windows were pulled to. What if our new house is a sweat box in the Summer and an ice box in the Winter! Annoying more than anything.
  • Noise – Where we currently live is dead quiet. The neighbours are well behaved, dogs included. We are spoilt really. What if at our new house they play loud music all day? Road noise, yapping dogs that are left out and neglected all day… the list goes on.

Maybe it’s a good thing we are renting and will only be tied into a six or twelve month contract!

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Have you had any unusual worries when moving home? I’d love to hear them.

 

Lucy At Home UK parenting blogger

The Hunger Games – Insects Vs Toddlers

It was a fresh, crisp Sunday morning in October. The creatures of the woodland were going about their daily life, little knowledge of what was due to descend on them in a few hours. We had our boots on and were ready for one of George’s little buddies fourth birthday parties. But this was not going to be your typical birthday party. There would be no soft play, sugar and screaming children. As much as we love those types of parties, I was excited to see what would happen at a wild wood birthday party at the local reservoir.

We buckled up after bundling wellies, pressies and a change of clothes into the car of another mummy friend who had kindly offered us a lift.

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Things quickly escalated from standard 10 minute journey to complete comedy sketch show. My influence clearly rubbed off and despite being a frequent visitor at the reservoir, we quickly found ourselves pulling over to ask for directions.

My phone had decided to play silly buggers and was going through a reboot so I could program the SatNav before I quickly realised I didn’t actually know what I was programming in and where we were supposed to be headed.

I messaged our host for the party and fellow Mamas in the group chat to ask for the address. I quickly had to abandon their response in favour of calling the police to report seven rogue Shetland ponies trotting merrily down the centre of the road. After leaving my poor friend driving blind I finally switched my phone call from the emergency operator to a mama friend who put us on the right track.

With the party underway we were having a fabulous time. The sun was shining, the leaves were crunching and the toddlers were marching. The party guide was a lovely lady who commanded their attentions well. We soon found ourselves searching for creepy crawlies. We each had a magnifying pot and flitted from log to leaf looking for something to catch.

I think over the years I’ve watched too many a cartoon and Disney film, giving me a knack for humanising any living creature. After playing some games we continued on through the woods, pots in hands, taking our creatures on a merry tour like they’ve never had before. Or had they?

Had this snail and woodlouse been collected by many a child at many a party and toured the woods like a pair of mismatched backpackers? The pot behind me contained a fly being devoured by a spider, taken fresh from the web. As I imagined the crane fly in front of us screaming “where the hell are we going”. Our own woodlouse was wondering when he would see his mum and dad again. Having carried him the equivalent of here to Australia for a woodlouse, we came to a new home.

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Let the den building commence. As 20 toddlers collected wood and sticks to build our very own big brother house. For our unsuspecting creatures, they were about to meet their new housemates. Or were they?

With the house build complete (basically a pile of twigs on the floor), it was time to set our creatures free and introduce them to their new home. Our snail had ventured out of his shell and was roaming the inside of the pot, acquainting himself with the new neighbourhood.

However as the toddlers descended upon the new twig house it quickly became apparent that this wasn’t the Big Brother house. In fact these creatures were about to enter their very own Hunger Games. An insect Fornite if you will. As varying species of insect were dropped (minus canopy) into their new environment, it was every creature for his or herself. Ladybirds scarpered, the woodlouse foolishly didn’t roll into a ball and the snail quickly realised it was time to retreat into his safe haven shell.

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For those that hadn’t already eaten one another or climbed a hiding spot deep into the ground, another challenge began. Forget your purple rain storms, it’s no match compared to a toddler armed with a huge log. With a crash, the den was flattened, or rather ‘complete’ in said toddlers eyes.

And so we left our creatures to rebuild their lives in the wood of nightmares as we ventured on in our party activities.

Honestly it was a great experience. It was just so lovely to be outside in the fresh air without all the carnage that can come from a kids party. We loved it.

How did you spend your Sunday?

Sex In A Candle – A Review of Scents Unusual

** Disclosure – I was provided with a Sex Candle (how often can you say that in a week) in return for my honest review. All opinions are my own **

Candles! We all love them don’t we? With the exception of my husband who is scared of fire, candles fill the majority of our homes with love.

Candles have come a long way from being mere providers of light. They create mood, ambience, scent and for some can become a bit of a collectors hobby.

I leave you with that thought whilst I briefly detour. Trust me. This post is like a well planned comedy routine. Stick with it and it will all marry up in the end.

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There are items and experiences in this world, for which the terms “nice” and “good” just won’t cut it. I get easily excited about things and I like to share that excitement with others. I think this is one of the reasons I blog.

In order to enthuse and excite others about things I have seen, eaten or visited, I’ve got to describe them well. I reached a point where “lush” and “brilliant”, “amazing” and “fab” rolled off my tongue with ease. I use them daily. So when something is that bit more special, I had to  get inventive.

I honestly do not remember what inspired me to first start comparing things to sex. Maybe it was the cocktail, Sex on the beach? I think most of us human types would agree that orgasmic sex is probably one of the best things out there. So why not use sex as the yardstick to judge everything else by. If your tongue isn’t in your cheek right now then you are reading this wrong.

And so it was born. During a visit to my fave The Royal Hotel, I tried one of their unique cocktails which was pretty quickly declared by myself as “Sex in a martini glass”. At our local seaside resort you can get a chocolate and cream covered waffle on stick which is quite clearly “Sex on a stick”.

I’ve had sex on a plate numerous times and the ultimate was when I told my husbands seventy something Nan that her homemade stew was “sex in a bowl”!

So imagine my utter excitement, and if I’m honest, sheer intrigue, at seeing the opportunity to get my hands on a sex candle by Scents Unusual.

Sex….in a candle!!!

It’s literally got my name written all over it! “Send it over Dave!” I shouted. Well I never because that wasn’t the PR guys name but you get the gist.

Now as you may know, we are in the process of selling our house. Whilst waiting for the candle to arrive I contemplated what a sex candle might smell like? Could I sell my house with au de sex lingering in the air? Would it make potential buyers feel a little fruity? Hell perhaps I should add that to the Rightmove listing….. “this property is pure sex in a house!”

Now back to that thought I left you with earlier. Candle lovers this is your paragraph! So you wanna know what a sex candle has to offer you and whether you should buy one and I’m here to tell you.sex

The Sex Candle is a bit of novelty gift so that’s your Secret Santa sorted for this year. It’s a simple white candle in a clear glass container, labelled with the Scents Unusual sticker.

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The candle is packaged in a tin with some comical sexual innuendos. My favourite being “Issue:69”. I like the obvious and silly gags. Simple minds and all that. The attention to detail is perfect and the more you look at the tin labelling, the more you see. Say it out loud, “Sex candle”, dya get it?

Light this candle and you will get an initial intense aroma of that moment of passion, gradually turning into the fresh and comforting smell of clean cotton – it’s as if you have just changed those bed sheets! – taken from scentsunusual.com

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With an approximate burn time of 40 hours, I’m yet to reach the linen scent. As for the “aroma of passion”, I literally cannot compare it to anything . You really need to smell it for yourself.

To me it’s not offensive once lit, although the smell knocks you back a bit as you open the can. It’s also not an overly appealing smell such as vanilla but it has a weird addictive hint to it. The smell isn’t too obtrusive either. I had to get quite close to be able to smell it and I have a super human sense of smell.

At £15 I’d be unlikely to buy it for myself now my curiosity as to what it smells like has been fulfilled. I’d definitely buy one as a novelty gift. This would definitely have been my secret Santa gift this Christmas, had I still been at my previous employers. I’m intrigued by the Cuban tobacco and oak range. I imagine it’s  uniquely appealing.

Do you like the sound of this? Would you buy one for yourself or someone else? Check out Scentsunusual.com for their other products.

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

Lucy At Home UK parenting blogger

Last Day Of School Holidays – Welcoming The Return With Open Arms.

💃 It’s the last day of the school holidays and I can’t say I’m not doing a little victory dance 💃

This time last year I was preparing for George’s first ever day of preschool, and let’s just say I wasn’t in a great place. Read all about it here. He cried, I cried, I pretty much cried my way through September. But it got easier. We both made friends, fab friends who we now have the most fun with. The little shits weren’t that bad and in this past year George has more than learnt to handle himself or deal with tricky situations. For all the anxious Mama’s packing their children off to their first day, I promise you, it gets better.

I’ll always remember pre motherhood seeing mums saying “is it time for the kids to go back to school yet…hurry the fuck up”

And my innocent little mind was thinking “oh why do you mothers detest your children so much?!”

“You asked for those little buggers, why aren’t you cherishing every gorgeous hair on their head every moment of your blessed day!” (Laughs deliriously)

And then I became a Mama. I put my kid in nursery and school holidays were still life as normal for me. Then due to circumstances beyond my control, I had to take him out of nursery. He got a place at the local government preschool system last September.

I never forget the realisation that every school holiday I would have to look after my OWN child 24/7 for a week or more! Now in all honesty the first half term in October was a blesséd relief. I think we both cried our way through September and we needed to get ‘our’ time back.

Cut to today when we are on the last day of our first experience of SIX WHOLE WEEKS of the schools being closed. I’m not going to lie. It’s flown by in a funny kind of way. All these plans we had and we didn’t get around to half of them. Seeing all these posts of “you only get 18 summers with your child” aren’t helpful.

On the one hand you are thinking “Fuck” I’ve got to make this summer all singing, all dancing, cherish every minuscule moment of every day. On the other you are thinking this was totally written by someone that doesn’t have kids! What teenager spends every day of the summer with their Mum! I’m thinking we’ve got 10 summers together max!

Anyway, that’s neither here or there. Facing facts, me and George are bored of one another. My creative enthusiasm for playing and inventing new activities is at its lowest. Owing mostly to the fact I spend ages setting something up, he looks at it and just wants to watch television or do something else. I don’t think he even knows what he wants anymore.

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Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that….

George has pretty much refused to be looked after by any family or friends this summer so it’s been full on. As a result he has tested our parenting boundaries something chronic.

He so badly needs to go back to preschool and gain some discipline and control over his behaviour. Listening to people in charge that aren’t his parents. I have huge respect to the preschool workers who take care of our little darlings each session.

We have resorted to a behaviour chart but that’s another story for another day.

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So all the mamas I silently judged pre motherhood, this is my apology to you. Looking after your own kid for 6 full weeks is bloody intensive. And don’t read this in a “she’s a cold hearted bitch” kinda way. Most mamas know I’m being facetious. Us mamas are only human and we have to have time off being in charge of mini humans.

I literally feel like tomorrow when I drop him off will be the biggest relief. Not least because I’m still not sure if he will get upset and make drop offs difficult as he did for the majority of last year. He loved it once he’s there. I’ve seen the pictures and videos as proof. Often I can see or hear he’s stopped crying before I’m out of the playground.

And what will I be doing? Well I have a few more things to prepare before my big revelation about why I’ve been so optimistic and positive of late. (Although this post really isn’t indicative of this ) .

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And when I go to pick George up I’m hoping I find a child that’s refreshed and ready to adore my company again and me him. He literally said to me, can you go out and not come back please so me and Daddy can just watch Knightrider. Thanks kid. Love you too. I’m totally ready for him to be someone else’s problem for three hours.

How do you feel about the school holidays. Baring in mind we are still going through the toddler tantrum stage. My stance may change as the years progress. Are the long summer holidays  even necessary? Couldn’t we just break up the other terms?

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

Meditating to distraction

Meditating seemed like a good idea at the end of an intense day. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately with a lot of changes life changing decisions being made at home. I’ve never meditated before, nor do I know how.

But briefly I figured that imagining myself on a desert island, toes in the sand, crystal clear water lapping around me was the perfect start. Eyes shut and lying back on my bed, I could see it. I have a pretty vivid imagination anyway but I could see how blue the water was. I could almost feel the warmth of the sand. The sun on my bare back. With my wind chime gently clinking in the back garden, the scene was set!

And then suddenly…a wood pigeon, yeah that’s right, the cooing of a wood pigeon. Then a bloody man rides past on a bicycle. Focus, focus. You are losing your way here. But I can’t get that orange fence out the corner of my eye. Just in the middle of my perfect beach scene. And then a neighbour pops their head over the fence, BBQ tongues in hand, and asks if I want a hotdog?

The to do list starts to creep back into my head and…fuck it! I’m back on the bed!

Next time I might try it with earplugs. I can see why a lot of Mamas opt for wine instead.

Please note, pinch of salt not provided with this post.

Until next time…

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday