The truth about pregnancy is obviously my truth. I know every pregnancy for every person is different. I’m hoping some women or indeed men will read and relate to this.
I like to think I’m being open about the parts people really don’t go into detail about on a daily basis. Let me know what you think. Did you experience anything similar during your pregnancy?
Feel free to laugh. I did! Blimey, when something less than always pleasant is happening to you for 9/10 months you’ve got to laugh or end up seriously peeved. So here goes.
Anyone else feel like announcing you are having a baby is a bit like telling your parents you lost your virginity. The slightly awkward realisation that everyone is congratulating you on having sex. Like we all know one another is doing it. But to say to the world “hey (little wave), we’ve had sex over here! I mean let’s get a high-five for the sex yeah!”
For 9 months I feel like a walking advert for sex. Reasons to have it. Reasons to not have it. I don’t even get paid for advertising space, for the walking advert of magical crap that I’ve become.
The Awful Truth about my fucking amazing body.
My pregnancy with George could have been worse, but then if you had seen the state of me! I’ll still tell you now, as magical as it is and I loved feeling bubba move, pregnancy really wasn’t all it cracked up to be. It fucked my body in so many ways. Ways that will never be fixed. Have I come to terms with it? As much as I can. I look at the kid and he was totally worth it. But still.
It’s such an achievement for some, myself included, to be able to fall pregnant, but that doesn’t mean to have to bask in all the glory of the crapness that comes with it. You are growing a human (or more). You can absolutely hate it for some of the time. It’s your prerogative!
I think some bodies were made for making and carrying babies and some weren’t. I was the latter. It took us a bit longer than average to conceive and I ended up not being able to feel or use my hands, with a nose even Wurzel Gummidge would struggle to contend with.
Amongst the rest of the swollen crap. Elephants feet, grapes for a bum hole and the purple veiny things taking over my thighs of all places!
Thankfully I didn’t experience morning sickness. I once vomited at 8 months pregnant and let’s say THAT took me by surprise. It was less than easy to crouch over a toilet bowl with a huge belly in the way.
I had nausea in the first trimester and mild migraines but nothing a few fruity polos didn’t sort out. I always made sure to have a selection of snacks and suckable sweets on me. Your body does this strange this where you go from 0 to I-must-eat-right-mother-fucking-now! Trust me, carrying snacks will prevent you from having to have your baby in prison because someone didn’t serve you food in time.
Photo taken courtesy of Little Smilers studio (www.littlesmilers.co.uk) and purchased ourselves.
Poo & Pants
Then there’s your poo. Everyone knows I love talking about poo. My sis actually feel pregnant 5 months before me so she was able to prep me on the stages of poo your pregnant self goes though.
Starting with the “cow pat” phase and ending so elegantly with the constipated haemorrhoids phase.
Honestly it’s so hard to poo when you have a ginormous belly in front of you and you can’t adequately lean forward.
And don’t think you’ll be done with panty pads either. Oh no. There’s various levels of vaginal discharge stages you must experience on top of all the other uncomfortable magicalness. I must’ve wanted to escape my body at least once every 24 hours.
Insomnia & Sleeping
Then there’s the insomnia! Like what the actual fuck! It’s like your body says;
“hey! You wanna have a baby? Let’s get you used to this sleep deprivation thingy now”!
Erm why! It’s not like I’ll still be growing a human once the baby arrives will I! Let me sleep!
As glamorous as it sounds, it was. Each night I would snuggle into bed with at least 5 pillows behind me to prevent the reflux and heartburn. Ensuring the Rennie’s could be found in the dark on my bedside table.
I’d position more pillows between my legs and behind my back because, oh my gosh your hips and back really like to let you know they are carrying a baby.
Finally my hands were strapped up in wrist splints for the carpal tunnel syndrome.
I would just start to snooze and relax when 20 minutes later, a swift lean on my bladder from my wonderful bundle of magic and I needed the loo. This would happen at least 12 times a night.
I often just stayed up because my hands hurt too much if I fell asleep. I’d wake up and have to pull my fingers and rub and shake my hands in an effort to regain the feeling and remove the pain.
Not forgetting the restless legs. Trying to relax and all my legs want to do is kick out and flip around. How hubs didn’t move out is beyond me. And sadly for him there was no spare bedroom.
Thankfully I had. A family of foxes living in our garden that kept me entertained in the early hours. Not to mention some epic lightning shows. I recommend getting yourself a good book or you’ll become the queen of early hours social media, deliriously rambling away to yourself whilst your half of the world sleeps.
Playing with your unborn child
But there was MANY positives to being pregnant. Playing with my bubba inside my tummy using a torch or music provided me with hours of joy.
Watching and feeling him move inside me and being able to share that with family and friends. I felt like a superhero being able to grow this amazing human being. Knowing I was his source of everything and taking on the responsibility of motherhood the moment I conceived. Feeling so grateful that I had this opportunity that so many women haven’t and long for.
My hair. Oh my hair. I mean it was rather unfair that at a time when my bikini line was about to become like a challenge on the krypton factor to shave, it also started to grow out of control. The boundaries stretched and suddenly my bikini line became a “let’s-venture-down-her-legs” type ivy vine.
The hair on my body was out of control, hairy tum, pubes on the loose, and everything was growing coarser. The hair on my head also benefited. My mane was the lushest it had ever been. I can honestly say I barely lost a hair in the hair brush or plughole throughout my whole pregnancy.
Of course once baby was born, my hair came out en masse. This is perfectly normal but it can be disturbing to see thinning spots of hair and a plughole full every time you shower.
Other crazy stuff I just HAVE to mention
- The weird spotting you get during implantation that makes you think you are about to come on your period. Then you do a test before a night out on the piss only to find you are going to be on the lemonade all night.
- The way your mouth always tastes like you’ve been sucking on a metal pole for hours.
- Your superhero sense of smell. You can smell any smell a mile off. I had lots of fun guessing what people were cooking in the next room at lunch break at work.
- The way you think all your baggy pre pregnancy tops will fit you when your pregnant because it’s just a fatter belly right? Wrong! Under your bra thickens and widens as your ribs expand, sending your organs god knows where and you end up looking like a sausage in a skin that’s too small. And that’s why maternity wear is big business.
- Hot flushes that appear out of nowhere and make you wonder if you are dying of flu whilst you stand there dripping with sweat looking like you’ve got the plague.
- Your nipples getting strangely darker. Who the heck knows why.
- The surprise you get when you have your first scan (12 weeks) and you expect them to be all over your belly like they are on the tele and in films and they actually do it under your belly button because surprisingly that’s where the tiny baby is until it grows bigger.
- The feeling of bubba move and thinking it couldn’t have been further from the “butterflies” people told me I’d feel. It was actually more like bubbles popping. I mistook it for wind for a while.
- Wondering why my throat was burning of a night and finding out that’s reflux for you.
- Having hubs have to cut my dinner up towards the end because the carpal tunnel syndrome meant I couldn’t grip properly or feel my damn hands through the pins and needles. Gave him good practice for the toddler years.
Oh the joys. Until next time…..