I’m gonna let you in on a not so little secret by telling you the worst way to lose weight this time of year.
(Don’s Del Boy flat cap) And I’m giving you this for a fantastic price. I’m not telling you this god awful secret for £34.99, oh no. I’m not even telling you for £9.99.
I’m giving you all the wisdom and knowledge you need to possibly, maybe not, but it’s definitely not a guarantee, on how to lose weight for absolutely free.
Ladies and Gents, and all those who identify elsewhere, I give you to, the FLU! Influenza by its technical name. This beauty won’t set you back a penny. Only your time and possible sanity needs committing to this one.
If losing weight whilst sleeping is your thing then here’s your answer. You’ll sleep so much you won’t even realise you’ve missed three mealtimes. And you’ll just want more. No amount of sleep is enough. You can still nod off whilst on a brief trip to the lav.
Now time is something you’ve gotta give this one. This is no quick fix. You are gonna need to commit at least 5 days so you can tell all your friends and family it’s FaceTime only for the next week. There’s no rushing the flu. It’s gotta be allowed to take you down fast but drag it out slow and long.
Now if it’s a detox kind of weight loss you’re after then the flu is almost certainly your bag. A friend gave me the wonderful term “The Purge”. After a few days of sleeping without much food, you start to feel a little peckish. I’d recommend some trusty dry staples. You know the ones, toast, biscuits, crackers. This may be enough to start the purge or you may need to up the ante.
It doesn’t matter if you have lived off of baby rusks for 3 days, your purge pursuit comes complete with Johnny Cash soundtrack. You won’t have even thought about a chilli but that burning ring of fire will get you regardless. And you’ll have no idea why. Hubs and I had our theories about unused stomach acid but it’s better to just accept… it’s gonna hurt.
Whilst the squits take full effect you will still have your old friend with you. The chest burner. The phlegm stirrer. The place where it all began. The Cough!
Sounds harmless but this is where it all began. Now, the cough has never really been your friend. You can argue you are toning your abs a little, being as it feels like you’ve been kicked in the ribs by a donkey.
But the cough really comes into its own during purge phase. Every cough is a game of pants roulette. With a washing machine ready and waiting on a boil wash, it’s anyone’s guess which pairs will enter the drum and which remain intact on your now withering frame.
Now I don’t know about you but thanks to The Flu, I’m already four pounds down and I’ve hardly lifted a finger. My seemingly sloth like energy levels allowing little else.
I forgot to mention the need to place a leak proof bowl in every room you may frequent. The cough follows you anywhere you are able to crawl and often doesn’t relent until you’ve thrown up what little food you’ve managed to eat. It really is as fun as it sounds.
So to summarise. If you don’t want to miss out on this fab weight loss product, get yourself round to my house now and I’ll give you a good face licking.
It’s a totally ill recommended weight loss regime.
T H E F L U
Hurry. This great deal is almost gone ( I hope). Grab yours today while you still can to ensure you see in the New Year, coughing, crapping and retching your way to a slimmer you.
Happy New Year.