Phase

It’s only a phase – the parenting guide to phases your child will go through

Parenting, in a nutshell it’s only one phase after another. I’m going to give you a little satirical guide to the phases your little one will go through.

So you’ve got that magical positive result on the pregnancy test. You feel excited, overwhelmed, in denial, emotional, elated. Little do you know, you have just signed up to at least an 18 year sequence of phases.
I will now describe to you the phases I myself have been through with George. We are only at the two and half year mark. No doubt this is a post that will eventually become a long standing series.

Phase

For ease of writing I will refer to your little one as he. Let’s face it, as much as we thank the men in our lives for this magical event, with the amazing joy comes occasional annoyance. Pretty much sums up the male species from my perspective (winks coyly with her tongue in her cheek). So “he” it is.

Congratulations. You are pregnant with a baby boy or girl. Or both but let’s just assume everything I say and double it, triple it, depending on your brood. I’m sure I’m being naive and there’s more to it than that. I only have the one so can’t comment.

Phase
Third trimester. That incredible yet surreal feeling you get when your baby is moving inside of you. Something which you can often see as well as feel now. You love it, you’re thankful for it, then comes being woken up at night with the kicking and fidgeting. You’ve just settled back into bed, surrounded yourself with 6 pillows after your tenth wee, and now the little darling decides it’s time to start practicing his gangnam style. Welcome to the “get me out of your belly” phase. Towards the end (I’m talking around the 36 week mark), the head can engage and the “get me out of your belly” phase progresses to “fuck it I’ll make my own way out” as you can almost feel the head pushing down there trying to eeek his way out. Uncomfortable isn’t the word.

Phase

Let’s cut to the birth. It happens however it happens. Don’t beat yourself up about it. He has to come out somehow so as long as you are both safe and well at the end of it, you are a hero. You’ve grown this little boy. Give yourself credit where it’s due.

You’re first night together. Poor little darling is stressed. He cries on and off all night; “It’s cold out here, and I’m hungry. What happened to that hose with all my scrummy food. I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going on. I want to go back in the tummy please”. Welcome to the “indecisive charades phase”. He won’t quite know what he wants but he will make small movements and random incoherent noises. You must learn to decipher this code, get the correct answer, then apply this answer to little darling and see if he is satisfied. Keep trying this for 6 months.

Congratulations! You made it six months! You thought the charades phase was tough. Wow you really have no idea what’s in store. The last six months has seen you become a master. A master of dangling things in front of your little darling. Master of bouncing him, rocking him, feeding him, changing him. The washing machine has become a multitasking part time babysitter. And it’s worked right? He’s been happy and content for the majority. You are both learning each other ways but overall you are managing to not annoy each other too much. But all good things must come to an end.

Phase

Welcome to the fidget arse phase. By now your little one will likely be rolling over, shuffling, maybe even attempting a backwards crawl. Suddenly dangling things in front of his face or bouncing him gently is unsatisfactory. No. He’s had his eye on that DVD cabinet for 6 months now and he wants to know what exactly is in all those little cases. What does that red glowing button do? That fluffy long thing at the end of the cat looks fun.

You suddenly need eyes in your arse. How do I see using eyes in my arse you wonder. Well let me tell you, you won’t be sitting on it. You’ll be up and down and up and down and up and down. Rescuing little darling before he delves into something else. Rearranging your house slowly day by day.

 

Phase

Never fear. You will soon tire of the fidget arse phase and will begin willing your little darling to take their first steps. We are homo sapiens after all. It’s instinctive. You eagerly encourage him until one day, hurrah, those teeny tiny steps are taken without your assistance. A triumph in your naive eyes. At last he can walk. The end of the days of you carrying them around is in sight.

But what’s this….he is climbing the stairs! Darling little can suddenly get from one end of the lounge to the kitchen in the time it takes you to sip your cold cup of tea. He’s had more bumps, trips and falls than an accident insurers handbook. What have you created you absolute plonker!

Phase

And then the day arrives. Little one’s first birthday. A milestone. A day to celebrate. But what are you doing? Sobbing, and updating your Facebook status mourning your little one is no longer a baby. They are “all grown up”, “where did the time go” “time to think about having another”.
And so the cycle begins again. (Faceplants).

Phase
Ps. Honestly I’m not as cynical as I sound. From the moment I got that positive result, I have thanked my lucky stars for being given this opportunity. Something many would give anything for. Doesn’t hurt to tell it how it is sometimes. We all have our own experiences. This is mine.
To be continued…….

Until next time………

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

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57 Comments on "It’s only a phase – the parenting guide to phases your child will go through"

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Nicole
Guest

So cute! Did your baby just turn 1? Wait till you get to the “missing the potty when he pees” phase. Fun times. 😜

Lydia C. Lee
Guest

The baby phases are all gorgeous, looking back from the teen view. I should write one “It’s not a phase…time to deal with a new reality…” (teen life) #KCACOLS

Nicole | The Professional Mom Project
Guest

My son is now 6 (wow how did that happen!) and the stages just keep on popping up. All the time there’s a new phase to deal with and as soon as you think you’ve got it everything changes again 🙂 #KCACOLS

Kayla Arnold
Guest

Such a cute post! #KCACOLS

Finn
Guest

Hehehe. All very familiar, from a father’s perspective anyway! Plenty more phases ahead, each challenging in its own way. Have fun. #KCACOLS

Mama Grace
Guest

Light and shade but in the end it’s all beautiful and their lives make ours richer. #KCACOLS

Coombe Mill - Fiona
Guest

That first year is very special with so many highs and lows to look back on #KCACOLS

Andrea @ Topsy Turvy Tribe
Guest

Ha ha reading this I am so thankful I’m not having anymore babies. Pewh it’s so exhausting! #KCACOLS

Sara
Guest

This is hilarious! And so spot on! Loved it! Thank you for sharing #KCACOLS

Susie / S.H.I.T.
Guest

I’ve never forgotten those words ‘just remember everything is a phase’ that of my more experienced friends had told me when I had my first. And it’s so true. You just can’t imagine the phase ever ending sometimes, but then it’s hard to remember it when you’re in the middle of another phase. You’ve reminded me of all those phases when they’re little – potty training! Aaah! I thought that would never end, especially third time round. Loved this #kcacols

Tracey Bowden
Guest

Oh the first year is definitely a steep learning curve, isn’t it! We have just entered the prehormal I don’t know what is going phase. I think things are going to get hairy from here on out! #kcacols

Ali Duke
Guest

I remember the fidget arse phase well. It is surprising what they can reach even though they can’t walk/crawl lol.
#KCACOLS

Pen
Guest

It is so true. Everything about parenting is a phase. The most frustrating thing is that at the exact moment that you get used to the phase that you are in, the next one starts and you have to figure out how to deal with it. Thanks for this post Pen x #KCACOLS

keepmum
Guest

It’s so true, all a series of phases…each one as bonkers as the last!!
#KCACOLS

Nicola
Guest

Oh there are many many more! Good luck with the terrible twos, torturing thress, sassy sixes and know it all nines and that’s all before they hit 13! Isn’t parenthood just the best! #KCACOLS

alex muir
Guest

Aw man, 2 and a half – wait till you get the annoying 5 year old (perfect timing for them starting school), then the pre-pubesant 8 year old when everything is such a big deal, and then the 11 year old hormonal &%^%$! And don’t get me started on the teens. Well done though, you’ve made it to 2 and a half – that’s no mean feat! lol. I jest! #kcacols

Helen
Guest

Haha! I remember all these phases! The fidget arse being the hardest bit ! No more sitting and having a bru with friends. You have to stand up, all.the.time!
#KCACOLS

Musings of a tired mummy...zzz...
Guest

Yep to all these phases and more 🙂 My mum always coos ‘ooh this is a lovely phase’ every time they conquer something new (rolls eyes in irritation) while they drive me crazy! #kcacols

Sarah | Digital Motherhood
Guest

Yep remember all of these! I’m afraid the next 5 years won’t be any quieter or stress-free, but they will be lots of fun! #KCACOLS

mummy here and there
Guest

Wait until they are five and non-stop questions, plus you can’t even spell out swear words in a passive aggressive manner at your partner cause the little sod learnt to spell 😉 X #kcacols

Emma me and b make tea
Guest

aw lol this made me chuckle and nod. it really is phase after phase. we are nearly 4 years in and we still have phases. every moment is a bloody new phase haha! #KCACOLS

Maria
Guest

Such a great post ive added it to a couple pinterest boards 🙂
#KCACOLS

Amy
Guest

Haha yep one phase after another, one difficult problem to solve followed by another! #kcacols

Jeremy@ThirstyDaddy
Guest

I have a 6 and 17 year old. There really is always something, some new phase. I’m not sure that stops until about 35 #KCACALS

Helena
Guest

My youngest is just about to turn one and I can’t believe how fast she’s grown up. #KCACOLS

Lisa Pomerantz
Guest

Where were you when ours were wee ones! This is hysterical. Do keep it going! <3 #KCACOLS

Tooting Mama
Guest

I adopted two older kids and we still have phases, and now we are in the stuck to a gadget stage! And I want a phone stage!

Tooting Mama
Guest

#KCACOLS